Dirty Jock Page 6

  "You did do the right thing."

  "No!” I shook my head violently. “I didn’t, because now you're taking her away and it's all my fault. I should have never looked for you. I'm such an idiot and I've completely ruined everything."

  "She needs a father."

  "She needs a mother more."

  Tanner opened his mouth and for a moment I knew what he was going to say, and I think if he did I would have likely just screamed and collapsed in a ball of tears. But he held his tongue and instead just backed away.

  It didn't matter. We both knew what he was thinking. What we were both thinking.

  I'm not her mother.

  Maybe I could have been, if I'd adopted her, but that wasn't happening now. I'd lost. I'd failed in my promise to my dying friend and I had no one to blame but myself.

  11

  Tanner

  "I still can't believe you're taking this kid in."

  "It's not just some charity case, Coop. This is my kid. My daughter."

  "Still, that night at the bar you told me they just wanted you to sign some papers and then the whole problem would go away. What the hell happened? How'd you end up stuck with her?"

  I threw the ball harder than I meant, and Cooper grunted as it hit him in the chest. We were standing in my hallway—well, Cooper was at one end of the hall, near my front door, but I was across the apartment at the back of my kitchen—playing catch with one of the game balls I'd been awarded by the Stars.

  "I'm not stuck with her," I snapped. "I'm her father. Her mother died. It's the right thing to do."

  Cooper gave me a look as if to say, “Since when do you do anything because it's the right thing to do”, but was smart enough not to say it. Otherwise the next toss would have been at his face.

  Getting irritated at my teammate was easier than admitting the truth. Doubts about what I was about to do had been racing through my head every day since announcing my decision. Cooper was supposed to be here to distract me from that, not make sure I didn't forget.

  Distract me from a questionable decision that had the potential to not only ruin my life, but the life of a little girl.

  What the fuck am I doing?

  If this had been the first time I'd asked myself that question, I could maybe convince myself that it was just nerves. But it felt like those words had been seared into my brain. It was the first question I asked myself every morning and the last one I tried to answer every night.

  What the fuck am I doing?

  Was Laney right? Was this just a serious case of daddy issues that could be resolved by a few sessions of psychotherapy? Was I just trying to prove that I could be a better father than my old man?

  If so, was it fair to disrupt Isabella's life just to satisfy that question?

  Maybe she really would be better off with her grandparents and her mother's best friend. A little girl does need a mother. I didn’t disagree with that.

  But doesn't she need a father, too?

  She’d lost her biological mother already, so was it fair to deny her a biological father, just because he was used to living like a spoiled, selfish, overpaid jock?

  I had no idea what the right answer was. I had no idea why I was doing what I was doing or whether it was the right thing to do.

  "Does she even know who you are? How old is this kid, anyway?"

  "She's two and yes, she knows. As much as a two-year-old can, anyway. I've spent a few hours with her on a few separate occasions now. She's a sweet kid. Lots of energy."

  I had met with Delaney and Isabella a total of three times since our meeting at the CPS offices. The goal was to spend time building a connection before the transition, to make it easier. Delaney told her I was her father, her daddy, but I'm not sure how much Isabella understood. For one thing, she'd never had a father around. Add to that the fact that she could barely talk and who the hell really knew how much of any of this she was aware of.

  "So that's it then? She's just dropping her off here today after a few meet and greets and bang, you're Mr. Mom?"

  His return throw had some power behind it, as if in retaliation for my previous pass.

  "Has to happen sometime," I shrugged.

  Truth was, I wondered the same thing. How easy was this hand-off going to be for either of us? Delaney said that Isabella was better adjusted to change and unfamiliar faces than most, so we were hopeful she would take it well. After all, she'd spent the first two years of her life with Gia, then at a hospital as Gia got sick, and then more and more with Delaney and her grandparents. Poor kid had been passed around more often than this football.

  That realization made me weirdly reluctant to throw it back to Cooper, and so I was grateful that a knock on the door interrupted the game.

  This is it.

  I jogged past Cooper while he took a few steps back, as if to prove he wanted no part of whatever it was that was about to happen. If it all went horribly wrong, I knew I could count on him for at least one “told ya so”. Probably more.

  The door swung open to reveal Delaney. She had a big bag slung over one shoulder and carried Isabella in the opposite arm. The look in their eyes couldn't have been more different. Isabella's was bright and wide, as she eagerly scanned my apartment looking for new adventure.

  Delaney's green eyes were tinged in red, as if she'd been crying. She looked exhausted.

  Guilt tore at my insides as I thought again about whether or not I was doing this for the right reasons. Was I tearing an already strong and stable family apart with my ironically misguided notion of how I was going to build one of my own?

  I pushed the thought from my head as Isabella reached her little arms out towards me.

  I took her from Delaney as the redhead glared at me accusingly.

  "Easy for a child to trust someone they've only met a couple times," I shrugged. My youngest brothers had been like that. If the same pizza delivery guy showed up more than once, they were practically inviting him into the house to play video games with them. And that was even after they were old enough to know better.

  "Yeah, and yet they can still get their little hearts broken when they give that trust to the wrong person too easily," she quickly replied.

  Cooper made a sound as if he was choking back a laugh, but I still held back my tongue. I knew how painful this all was for her. There was no point in pouring salt in the wound by getting into another argument.

  “Uh oh,” Isabella said, just noticing the big stranger standing there for the first time. Even from the brief time I’d spent with her over the last few days, I’d already learned that was her go to phrase for a lot of different scenarios.

  I introduced Coop as Isabella squirmed around in my arms, anxious for her freedom. As soon as I put her down, she took off and began to laugh and race around the living room.

  "You weren't kidding when you said she was full of energy," he noted.

  I nodded back at my friend as I took off after her. She was dangerously close to the glass coffee table and her legs didn't seem to carry her steadily at her current speed.

  "Iz, wait!"

  She briefly turned her head to look at me, but seemed to think my alarm was a game and began to run even faster and more erratically, her giggles and screams rising in pitch. With arms flailing, she knocked a trophy from one of the end tables as she passed. It went flying onto the floor, skittering into the wall and then bouncing off in more than one piece.

  "Oh, I hope that wasn't important." Delaney's voice held more amusement than concern.

  "I think that was one of his old high school trophies," Cooper replied. "More sentimental than valuable."

  "Harder to replace those."

  I ignored the two of them as I reached across the coffee table to try and grab the screeching two-year old. She only danced away with another giggle.

  "Iz, look what I have here." I raced over to the corner of the room and picked up a cardboard box I'd retrieved from my storage unit. "Toys."

  That got her
attention. Isabella's speed didn't change but her course did, and she adjusted to come running right over to me.

  "Toys!" she laughed in delight. She grabbed the box from me and dumped it upside down, spilling the contents all across the hardwood. Cars and balls went rolling in every direction, while action figures landed with a thunk at her feet. She bent down and picked a couple up and stared at them.

  "That's Wolverine and Superman," I explained.

  She dropped the plastic heroes and reached down to dig through the pile. It didn't take her long to reject each of the figures and look up at me in confusion.

  "Dolls?"

  "Well, no, they're action figures," I explained.

  "Dolls?"

  "Sorry, Iz, I don't have any dolls." She was lucky I even had those. Most of my old stuff was either long gone or still at my mother’s house across the country. Everything in that box had been some of my favorite stuff that I had brought with my to LA just for nostalgia’s sake.

  The little girl continued to stare at me in disappointment.

  "How about some of these cars and trucks?" I suggested, picking one up and showing it to her. "This one is kind of pink."

  Isabella's brow furrowed. She took the car and threw it at the wall and laughed as it bounced off, leaving a mark.

  "I think she's telling you your toys suck, dude."

  "Thanks, Coop."

  "They really do," Delaney agreed. "And that car is red, not pink. What'd you do, shop at 'Boys R Us'?"

  "Those are my old toys. I used to love that shi.. stuff."

  "In case you hadn't noticed, she's a girl, Garrick. Girls and boys are different in a lot more than the ways that usually capture your attention."

  "Whatever, I can take her to buy some stupid dolls."

  "Here." Delaney lifted the bag she brought towards me. I took it and reached in, pulling out a plastic baby by the hair.

  "Dolls!" Isabella clapped her hands in delight and reached for the toy. The smile she flashed me when I handed it to her made a grin spread infectiously across my own face.

  It faded quickly as I looked up to see Delaney staring me down, the expression of doubt she wore completely unmasked.

  "Come on," she said, turning to Cooper. "You look strong enough to help me bring in the rest of her stuff. Looks like Daddy Dearest is going to have his hands full here trying to figure out the difference between boys and girls."

  Without another word, she turned and left. Cooper just shrugged at me helplessly and followed after her.

  Ready or not, shit just got real and I had no one to blame but myself. I would never admit it to anyone, but I was already having serious doubts about whether I could handle all of this after all.

  12

  Delaney

  "He's not really as bad as people think."

  Less than two minutes. That's how long it took for Tanner's huge friend to start trying to fill the silence I was intentionally leaving between us.

  "That doesn't make him good."

  "I'm just saying... like, I don't think you have to worry about the kid."

  The kid. It annoyed me when people referred to my Isabella that way. Like they didn't even care enough to learn her name.

  My Isabella.

  I had to stop thinking about her that way. Like Tanner so callously pointed out, she isn't my Izzy anymore. Truthfully, she never really was. Tanner had more right to call her that than I did.

  She even reached for him as soon as she saw him. She'd only met him a few times, yet she was already so ready to trust him. Was that just the innocence of a two-year-old, or did she sense his bond somehow? The blood bond that he argued was so important.

  I knew I should be happy that she wasn't screaming and running from him. After all, she was going to be living with him now. He was her father. It was good that the transition was already going so smoothly for her.

  But a little screaming and reaching for me would have been nice.

  She didn't know what I knew. She hadn't read all the articles about her father or seen all the pictures on the web. She was asleep for that first meeting and had no idea what we had interrupted. Thank god for that. Just thinking about it again made my agitation start to rise.

  The elevator continued to descend as the man next to me shifted back and forth. He was uncomfortable in silence. Impatient to get himself out of this situation. Normally I'd feel sorry for him, but he was defending Tanner.

  "So I suppose I must have just imagined the two naked women lying on his couch when I first met him, then?" For some reason it wasn't the women I was picturing now, though. Tanner had been shirtless as well, and although he'd been wearing sweatpants, they had done very little to hide what he'd been packing underneath.

  Hopefully the flush rising in my cheeks just looked like anger. That's what it was, mostly.

  "Two?" Cooper's big grin faded just as quickly as it appeared when I glared at him. "I mean, I'm not saying the guy is a saint or anything. I've been out with him, though. Women just throw themselves his way. Who can blame him for..." he trailed off as he read my face.

  I could blame him. That sort of lifestyle was no place for a little girl.

  The elevator finally stopped in the basement of the parking garage, and I was grateful to leave the conversation behind. But Cooper wasn't done. He continued to talk obliviously, following behind me as I walked as quickly as I could to my car.

  "He doesn't really talk about his past much, but I get the feeling he didn't have the best home life. Sometimes I think he just goes overboard to, I dunno, make up for lost time? Or maybe just to prove something to himself?"

  "Yes, of course. I can see how having sex with two women at once is a time saver." Every time I thought about it, a wash of mixed emotions flooded through me. Anger was certainly one of them, but there were other, more confusing ones as well. I needed to move away from this topic.

  Why do I keep bringing it back up, then?

  "That's not what I meant. Anyway, I think part of it is that sometimes he just gets... lonely."

  If we hadn't arrived at my car, that comment would have likely stopped me in my tracks anyway.

  "Lonely? That's not how I picture Tanner Garrick, party animal."

  "He comes from a big family, so maybe he's just used to having people around. I don’t know, but that would explain why he likes the crowds so much."

  "There’s a difference between wanting to spend time with people and being a complete attention-seeking media whore." Not to mention the other, more traditional, kind.

  "I guess.” The big man shrugged. “Who the hell knows, I'm no shrink."

  I wasn’t about to admit it, but Cooper obviously didn't know as much about his friend's childhood as I did, or he'd realize how close to the mark he probably was.

  Tanner raised his siblings. He made sacrifices and gave things up. As the eldest, everything had probably always been about everyone else since the day his first brother was born, and then only got worse once his father left.

  Then after years of sacrifice and hard work, he suddenly becomes this big football star. All the attention was focused on him for the first time in his life, and he wasn’t used to it. No wonder it all went to his head.

  In a weird way, it all kind of made sense.

  Still, those excuses weren't enough to make me just forgive and forget what he was doing to me and Izzy.

  "Anyway, I was just saying that all of his brothers and mother live out of state, a plane ride away. He doesn't see them that much. He has no family or anything nearby. Maybe he's just used to having people around. Whether that's me, or girls, or just going out and having a good time—regardless of whether there is someone with a camera always ready to try and take his picture."

  "Getting into fights at bars, yeah. I heard all about the good time you and he had a couple weeks ago."

  I popped open my trunk and pointed at the suitcases. Cooper moved to grab them while he continued defending his friend. They were packed with most of Izzy's
stuff, yet he lifted them as if they were feather pillows.

  "He didn't start that. Well, I mean, he did say some shit – he and Bullet have always had history. Shit is always tense when the two of them get together. Especially since our last game. Although, I don't even know if that's what was bothering him that night. It seemed like he had some new reason to be angry at Bullet... anyway, my point is Flash didn't throw the first punch."

  That night was the same day of our first meeting, where Tanner first found out about Izzy and Gia. No wonder he’d been on edge. Then I remembered his reaction at learning Gia had really been looking for Bullet that night. Could that have added to his anger at the bar? I just shook my head as I grabbed the rest of Isabella's things and turned to head back to the elevators.

  It didn't matter anyway, did it? Tanner was who Tanner was. There was certainly more evidence pointing to him being an ass than could be wiped away by a sad story about his childhood. Of course, for Isabella's sake it would be great if he turned out to be a perfect guy in more than just looks.

  Not that he looked perfect. He had physical flaws.

  Surely.

  But no, he might not be as horrible as I once believed, but that didn’t mean he was cut out to be a good father. I really had no way of knowing for sure, so the real question was, am I willing to risk Isabella’s well-being and future on someone like him?

  No. There’s too much at risk.

  That was something Miss Myers had reminded me of that day in her office, right after Tanner had left. She knew I was feeling like I'd lost and beginning to give up, even before I started wondering aloud whether this was all for the best, given that he was her natural father.

  She promised me that the fight wasn't over. She told me how she'd seen men like Tanner before, and they never ended up being good single parents. She relayed horror stories of little girls that grew up abused, or runaways, or were so neglected that they started looking for other men to fill the void in their life that their inattentive fathers left behind.